Oh Lordy, it's been a rough couple of days. The stomach flu has come to visit, which just reiterates to me how much I hate unwelcome guests. I was down for the count for most of Thursday and part of yesterday, but now seem to be feeling better. The bug has its hooks in Emma now, and I'm just crossing my fingers the other two members of the Mathews clan remain unscathed.
I'm not bothering with a food log for those days (or this): suffice it to say that I didn't eat much, and then I ate a lot, and then I didn't eat much again, and anyway...do calories even count when you are sick? (I think no-calories-on-sick-days is right up there with abolishing-daylight-savings-time in terms of pressing social issues, and I plan to write my congressman about both as soon as I've caught up on all my TV shows.)
So, I'm taking it easy today as I enjoy one more day of bland foods and no exercise. Tomorrow, it's back into the swing of things. But some good news: I weighed in at Jenny Craig today and lost another 3.4 pounds. Whoo-hoo! I consider this a HUGE success considering my seven days of gluttony last week, and I'm still not sure how I did it. I think the flu definitely helped.
Onward and upward, friends.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Nausea is a great way to lose weight!
Consumption:
3/4 banana
2 bites of apple
string cheese
JC bbq chicken pizza
Exercise:
Elliptical and strength training
1 hr, 25 min (36 light/39 mod/8 hard)
672 calories burned
(Yes, I'm putting that heart rate monitor to good use!)
Oh, so sick, so sick...about 1 hour after eating JC BBQ Chicken Pizza - or as I like to call it, BBQ a la cardboard - all hell broke loose. Must go to bed for long long long time.
3/4 banana
2 bites of apple
string cheese
JC bbq chicken pizza
Exercise:
Elliptical and strength training
1 hr, 25 min (36 light/39 mod/8 hard)
672 calories burned
(Yes, I'm putting that heart rate monitor to good use!)
Oh, so sick, so sick...about 1 hour after eating JC BBQ Chicken Pizza - or as I like to call it, BBQ a la cardboard - all hell broke loose. Must go to bed for long long long time.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Hump It
Consumption:
JC Blueberry Muffin
Glass oj with emergenC
banana
protein bar
lots o' water
hard boiled egg
cojack string cheese
spring mix salad
LC cheese lasagna & chicken breast (to replace the truly heinous-smelling JC Chicken Carbonara that I threw in the trash)
JC cookies & cream cheesecake
glass of milk
Exercise:
About 15 minutes of interval walking/jogging/cycling
Started off the day with some cardio coaching at my fabulous gym. I learned how to best utilize my heart rate monitor and discovered that my friend Gen and I are basically the same person. (Similar height, weight, heart rate, fitness level...although she's younger, with better boobs and kick ass hair. Somewhere, I got cheated.) I gotta tell ya, hearing that 47% of your body is comprised of fat is a great morale booster, especially considering I've been working my ass off (not literally, unfortunately) at the gym for two years. Makes me wonder what my body fat percentage was pre-exercise. I must have been one step away from Richard Simmons and a forklift.
Ended the day with a restorative rehearsal/gab session with my friend Brighid. I've spent most of today hungry, and by 9pm I really wanted to stop at Walgreens for an Oatmeal Creme Pie hit. But I resolutely drove straight home, mostly because I'd just enjoyed a hearty dose of Brighid-Style Gush (for the unfamiliar, B-S Gush ROCKS) about how proud she was of me. I seem to have little trouble letting myself down, but disappointing those I care about is a harder sell. So, I settled for a JC cheesecake instead and am now going to bed with a growling tummy but peaceful heart.
Grade: A
JC Blueberry Muffin
Glass oj with emergenC
banana
protein bar
lots o' water
hard boiled egg
cojack string cheese
spring mix salad
LC cheese lasagna & chicken breast (to replace the truly heinous-smelling JC Chicken Carbonara that I threw in the trash)
JC cookies & cream cheesecake
glass of milk
Exercise:
About 15 minutes of interval walking/jogging/cycling
Started off the day with some cardio coaching at my fabulous gym. I learned how to best utilize my heart rate monitor and discovered that my friend Gen and I are basically the same person. (Similar height, weight, heart rate, fitness level...although she's younger, with better boobs and kick ass hair. Somewhere, I got cheated.) I gotta tell ya, hearing that 47% of your body is comprised of fat is a great morale booster, especially considering I've been working my ass off (not literally, unfortunately) at the gym for two years. Makes me wonder what my body fat percentage was pre-exercise. I must have been one step away from Richard Simmons and a forklift.
Ended the day with a restorative rehearsal/gab session with my friend Brighid. I've spent most of today hungry, and by 9pm I really wanted to stop at Walgreens for an Oatmeal Creme Pie hit. But I resolutely drove straight home, mostly because I'd just enjoyed a hearty dose of Brighid-Style Gush (for the unfamiliar, B-S Gush ROCKS) about how proud she was of me. I seem to have little trouble letting myself down, but disappointing those I care about is a harder sell. So, I settled for a JC cheesecake instead and am now going to bed with a growling tummy but peaceful heart.
Grade: A
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
We failed Jenny...but we sure had fun doing it!
Food:
Many, many, many chocolate chip cookies
Many, many glasses of wine
Cheese fries
Two shrimp wantons
A carrot
Three bottles of water
A glass of orange juice
Exercise:
None officially, but I did run around my house like a maniac all day cleaning, so that has to count for something. If I'd been wearing my heart rate monitor I'd actually know what it counted for, but alas...I don't know how to use it. Glad I'm getting some cardio coaching bright and early tomorrow morning. Cock-a-doodle-SWEAT! (Did I mention I've had some wine?)
Fun:
Lots. Yes, I failed again at Jenny. But I don't much care because:
So...
Daily Grade, Food-wise: F (as in Fail or Fuck It, take your pick)
Daily Grade, Fun-wise: C- (before 7pm), A+ (after 7pm)
See ya tomorrow, Jenny.
Many, many, many chocolate chip cookies
Many, many glasses of wine
Cheese fries
Two shrimp wantons
A carrot
Three bottles of water
A glass of orange juice
Exercise:
None officially, but I did run around my house like a maniac all day cleaning, so that has to count for something. If I'd been wearing my heart rate monitor I'd actually know what it counted for, but alas...I don't know how to use it. Glad I'm getting some cardio coaching bright and early tomorrow morning. Cock-a-doodle-SWEAT! (Did I mention I've had some wine?)
Fun:
Lots. Yes, I failed again at Jenny. But I don't much care because:
- I had a really great time with eight of my favorite women, including my best friend, my oldest friend, my newest friend, and all the fabulous ladies who fall in between.
- I got a whole bunch of Arbonne products at an unbeatable discount, PLUS...new books!
- Mama drank herself some lover-ly chardonnay this fine evening, so all is sunshine and chocolate right now.
So...
Daily Grade, Food-wise: F (as in Fail or Fuck It, take your pick)
Daily Grade, Fun-wise: C- (before 7pm), A+ (after 7pm)
See ya tomorrow, Jenny.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Report
Daily Consumption:
JC Sunshine Sandwich (-turkey ham, +slice of FF Am Cheese)
Cup of oj with emergenC
Banana
Peanut Butter Protein Bar
Many glasses of Sunkist :(
Cup of diced peaches in light syrup
One cojack string cheese
1/2 JC Chicken Pasta Parmesan (sounded so good, but unfortunately was so not)
Spinach salad with carrots
Apple
Daily Exercise:
Step Aerobics - 1 hour
Not proud about the Sunkist, but otherwise I did pretty good today. I even sat through a meeting with chocolate, chips and noodles floating around and managed to eat my pathetic little apple instead! Grade A day, soda be damned.
Tomorrow I'm hosting several fabulous women at my house for an evening of wine, appetizers and cookies...all of which I will need to prepare and then avoid. Can we do it, Jenny?
No. Seriously. I'm actually asking you, Jenny...CAN we?
JC Sunshine Sandwich (-turkey ham, +slice of FF Am Cheese)
Cup of oj with emergenC
Banana
Peanut Butter Protein Bar
Many glasses of Sunkist :(
Cup of diced peaches in light syrup
One cojack string cheese
1/2 JC Chicken Pasta Parmesan (sounded so good, but unfortunately was so not)
Spinach salad with carrots
Apple
Daily Exercise:
Step Aerobics - 1 hour
Not proud about the Sunkist, but otherwise I did pretty good today. I even sat through a meeting with chocolate, chips and noodles floating around and managed to eat my pathetic little apple instead! Grade A day, soda be damned.
Tomorrow I'm hosting several fabulous women at my house for an evening of wine, appetizers and cookies...all of which I will need to prepare and then avoid. Can we do it, Jenny?
No. Seriously. I'm actually asking you, Jenny...CAN we?
Sunday, January 24, 2010
One Week Up, One Week Down
It has been a rough week.
I haven't been following the Jenny Craig plan - or any plan, for that matter - since my weigh-in last Sunday. In fact, it appears as if I've been making it my personal mission to EAT BACK the 4.2 lbs I had previously lost, plus some. I did not keep a food log this week, but here is a sampling off the top of my head of foods consumed by me just since Friday:
6 Reese's Peanut Butter cups
4 Hostess Cupcakes
Numerous bite size Krackle bars
My weight in Sunkist
At least 5 pieces of fried chicken
A really yummy pork chop cooked by my Daddy
Two full-size donuts
Approximately 10 smaller Hostess chocolate donuts
8 slices of pizza
McDonald's double cheeseburger value meal...plus a chocolate chip cookie
A king size Whatchamacallit (or maybe two? I can't remember when in the week I had that other one...)
7 Pinwheels cookies
Let me reiterate that the above is just a sampling. Just A Sampling. I should also point out that this past weekend is not an atypical snapshot of my eating habits. In truth, the list above is very representative of the volumes and types of food I put in my mouth on a regular basis.
Oh, and isn't that phrase - "In truth" - the real kicker in all of this? At least, it is for me. Because being honest with myself about what I eat is unprecedented ground. Typing out all that food and knowing that, if anything, I UNDERESTIMATED....no, that was not easy for me. In fact, I am horrified, and I remain shaken as I continue to type this entry. I don't even want to think about the food I consume, let alone write it down. And then on top of that, have the list remain for people to peruse with...hell, I don't know. Astonishment? Judgment? Disgust? (And those are just MY emotions...I've no idea what vile adjectives my list will conjure for others.)
However, if I fail at all else, I know in my heart that I must be honest this time. Never before have I done so in my thirty-plus-plus years. I've followed numerous diets, kept multiple food journals, had several check-ins with various dietary "consultants" (for lack of a better, all-encompassing term). I've joined weight loss groups both professional (ie, full of strangers) and social (ie, full of friends). And I have NEVER, EVER been completely honest about what I eat, to anyone. My husband knows more than most, but even he isn't completely aware because I often hide the full scope of my consumption from him. And I don't just lie to others. I lie to myself. I've been doing it for so long that it now feels as natural as breathing. Even at this very moment, while trying so desperately to break the cycle of smokescreens and denial, I wonder if my "memory" is still unconsciously masking the full truth from myself. In no way do I think my penchant for untruths in this area (or others, frankly...this issue goes deeper than food) is going to disappear overnight. I just have to keep fighting the inclination head-on, with no mercy.
But now, moving onto the question of the day...why did I choose to celebrate my first successful week on Jenny Craig by acting the glutton for seven days and actively undoing every ounce (literally) of previous accomplishment? Well, if I had the answer to that question I'd look - and feel - markedly different than I currently do. Therein lies the mystery, I suppose. I simply do not know why I do this. I had a therapist once tell me that I have self-sabotage issues. I was like, Really? No shit? And I'm paying you $150 an hour to tell me THAT? How about telling me WHY I have self-sabotage issues. Or how to STOP the self-sabotage issues. Or even just how to LIVE with the self-sabotage issues. Now those pieces of information would be worth all I own, and then some. Of course, I have theories. And theories about my theories. But ultimately, the behavior continues. Perhaps one day it will all miraculously become clear, with little angels floating around my head and singing, "You sweet thing, you self-sabotage because...your mother insisted on dressing you in polyester as a child!" OR "...you watched one too many 'Brady Bunch' episodes!" OR "...you painted your bedroom orange when you were 10!" And I'll be like, "Aha! I always suspected that was the reason. Now my whole life makes sense!" But until then, I'm as in the dark as anyone.
Many would say my overeating is simple: I Like Food. And believe me, I do. Oh god, I love love LOVE to eat. And I have a horrible, lifelong affinity for junk food...particularly sweets. Some overweight people swear it isn't what they eat; only how much. For me, it is definitely both. And more. I mean, I've never been one of those people who can pinpoint a single problem area and just focus on that. No way. If you had a checklist of the ten most popular reasons people are fat, I'd be like, "Um, can you just add an 'All of the above' box so I can save myself some time here?" I could live a very full and complete life never ingesting another fruit or vegetable, but I don't believe I could be truly happy without pizza and chocolate. I am a foodie through and through, and the more something is "bad" for me, the more I crave it. But there are many more pieces to the puzzle that is overly ample me. As much as I do enjoy food, I can assure you I did not enjoy eating most of what is listed above. All the time I was doing it, I felt far from happy. There was sadness and frustration and contempt, but mostly, I just felt empty.
Uggh! I could write more, but frankly I am spent. Enough self-exploration for today. Tomorrow, my plan is to get back on the wagon and see where it leads me. I have NOT, in any way, given up on Jenny Craig. Yes, it's been a horrible week...but I am now looking forward. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
I haven't been following the Jenny Craig plan - or any plan, for that matter - since my weigh-in last Sunday. In fact, it appears as if I've been making it my personal mission to EAT BACK the 4.2 lbs I had previously lost, plus some. I did not keep a food log this week, but here is a sampling off the top of my head of foods consumed by me just since Friday:
6 Reese's Peanut Butter cups
4 Hostess Cupcakes
Numerous bite size Krackle bars
My weight in Sunkist
At least 5 pieces of fried chicken
A really yummy pork chop cooked by my Daddy
Two full-size donuts
Approximately 10 smaller Hostess chocolate donuts
8 slices of pizza
McDonald's double cheeseburger value meal...plus a chocolate chip cookie
A king size Whatchamacallit (or maybe two? I can't remember when in the week I had that other one...)
7 Pinwheels cookies
Let me reiterate that the above is just a sampling. Just A Sampling. I should also point out that this past weekend is not an atypical snapshot of my eating habits. In truth, the list above is very representative of the volumes and types of food I put in my mouth on a regular basis.
Oh, and isn't that phrase - "In truth" - the real kicker in all of this? At least, it is for me. Because being honest with myself about what I eat is unprecedented ground. Typing out all that food and knowing that, if anything, I UNDERESTIMATED....no, that was not easy for me. In fact, I am horrified, and I remain shaken as I continue to type this entry. I don't even want to think about the food I consume, let alone write it down. And then on top of that, have the list remain for people to peruse with...hell, I don't know. Astonishment? Judgment? Disgust? (And those are just MY emotions...I've no idea what vile adjectives my list will conjure for others.)
However, if I fail at all else, I know in my heart that I must be honest this time. Never before have I done so in my thirty-plus-plus years. I've followed numerous diets, kept multiple food journals, had several check-ins with various dietary "consultants" (for lack of a better, all-encompassing term). I've joined weight loss groups both professional (ie, full of strangers) and social (ie, full of friends). And I have NEVER, EVER been completely honest about what I eat, to anyone. My husband knows more than most, but even he isn't completely aware because I often hide the full scope of my consumption from him. And I don't just lie to others. I lie to myself. I've been doing it for so long that it now feels as natural as breathing. Even at this very moment, while trying so desperately to break the cycle of smokescreens and denial, I wonder if my "memory" is still unconsciously masking the full truth from myself. In no way do I think my penchant for untruths in this area (or others, frankly...this issue goes deeper than food) is going to disappear overnight. I just have to keep fighting the inclination head-on, with no mercy.
But now, moving onto the question of the day...why did I choose to celebrate my first successful week on Jenny Craig by acting the glutton for seven days and actively undoing every ounce (literally) of previous accomplishment? Well, if I had the answer to that question I'd look - and feel - markedly different than I currently do. Therein lies the mystery, I suppose. I simply do not know why I do this. I had a therapist once tell me that I have self-sabotage issues. I was like, Really? No shit? And I'm paying you $150 an hour to tell me THAT? How about telling me WHY I have self-sabotage issues. Or how to STOP the self-sabotage issues. Or even just how to LIVE with the self-sabotage issues. Now those pieces of information would be worth all I own, and then some. Of course, I have theories. And theories about my theories. But ultimately, the behavior continues. Perhaps one day it will all miraculously become clear, with little angels floating around my head and singing, "You sweet thing, you self-sabotage because...your mother insisted on dressing you in polyester as a child!" OR "...you watched one too many 'Brady Bunch' episodes!" OR "...you painted your bedroom orange when you were 10!" And I'll be like, "Aha! I always suspected that was the reason. Now my whole life makes sense!" But until then, I'm as in the dark as anyone.
Many would say my overeating is simple: I Like Food. And believe me, I do. Oh god, I love love LOVE to eat. And I have a horrible, lifelong affinity for junk food...particularly sweets. Some overweight people swear it isn't what they eat; only how much. For me, it is definitely both. And more. I mean, I've never been one of those people who can pinpoint a single problem area and just focus on that. No way. If you had a checklist of the ten most popular reasons people are fat, I'd be like, "Um, can you just add an 'All of the above' box so I can save myself some time here?" I could live a very full and complete life never ingesting another fruit or vegetable, but I don't believe I could be truly happy without pizza and chocolate. I am a foodie through and through, and the more something is "bad" for me, the more I crave it. But there are many more pieces to the puzzle that is overly ample me. As much as I do enjoy food, I can assure you I did not enjoy eating most of what is listed above. All the time I was doing it, I felt far from happy. There was sadness and frustration and contempt, but mostly, I just felt empty.
Uggh! I could write more, but frankly I am spent. Enough self-exploration for today. Tomorrow, my plan is to get back on the wagon and see where it leads me. I have NOT, in any way, given up on Jenny Craig. Yes, it's been a horrible week...but I am now looking forward. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
The Beginning
I started Jenny Craig on January 11 of this year. My plan is to chart my progress with this blog. My first week I did rather well and lost 4.2 lbs. This week...well, I've yet to follow the program this week, so I'd say that qualifies as "not so well." Mindnumbingly boring diet details to follow in future postings, but before that...cue brief exposition, please.
The facts? I am a 36 year old, morbidly obese female. The nuances? Hmmm...way too many to go into in one post, although I'm sure we'll get there eventually. For now, the simple truth is that I am currently at a crossroads, one I have faced many, many, many times before. I've no idea which road I will choose. I am hopeful, but wary...all previous evidence indicates I'll opt for the path of least resistance, which for me equals the path of failure. Because YES, I am addicted to food, and YES, I have struggled with this overwhelming problem for as long as I can remember, and YES, I have tried just about every diet on the market (including Jenny Craig!), and YES, I have lost and regained literally hundreds of pounds over the years...only to find myself now at the heaviest I've ever been in my life.
BUT...I have never before tried journaling my way through the process. I have kept food diaries and other writings, but never a no-holds-barred ME diary. Hence, this blog. I plan to pour all my thoughts, fears, frustrations, dreams, obstacles, disappointments and goals into this blog. Every struggle, every rage, every horror, every weakness, every choice, every embarrassment, every failure, AND every success - every ridiculously minuscule, vitally important success - they all go here. And this one thing I promise myself: I Will Hold Nothing Back. This blog will be my chronicle of accountability. In doing this, my hope...nay, my prayer is that if I express and expose all these feelings churning inside of me, they will finally stop eating me alive. And consequently, I will finally stop eating myself to death.
So. Deep breath. Hold on tight. And...away we go.
The facts? I am a 36 year old, morbidly obese female. The nuances? Hmmm...way too many to go into in one post, although I'm sure we'll get there eventually. For now, the simple truth is that I am currently at a crossroads, one I have faced many, many, many times before. I've no idea which road I will choose. I am hopeful, but wary...all previous evidence indicates I'll opt for the path of least resistance, which for me equals the path of failure. Because YES, I am addicted to food, and YES, I have struggled with this overwhelming problem for as long as I can remember, and YES, I have tried just about every diet on the market (including Jenny Craig!), and YES, I have lost and regained literally hundreds of pounds over the years...only to find myself now at the heaviest I've ever been in my life.
BUT...I have never before tried journaling my way through the process. I have kept food diaries and other writings, but never a no-holds-barred ME diary. Hence, this blog. I plan to pour all my thoughts, fears, frustrations, dreams, obstacles, disappointments and goals into this blog. Every struggle, every rage, every horror, every weakness, every choice, every embarrassment, every failure, AND every success - every ridiculously minuscule, vitally important success - they all go here. And this one thing I promise myself: I Will Hold Nothing Back. This blog will be my chronicle of accountability. In doing this, my hope...nay, my prayer is that if I express and expose all these feelings churning inside of me, they will finally stop eating me alive. And consequently, I will finally stop eating myself to death.
So. Deep breath. Hold on tight. And...away we go.
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