One Week Up, One Week Down

It has been a rough week.

I haven't been following the Jenny Craig plan - or any plan, for that matter - since my weigh-in last Sunday. In fact, it appears as if I've been making it my personal mission to EAT BACK the 4.2 lbs I had previously lost, plus some. I did not keep a food log this week, but here is a sampling off the top of my head of foods consumed by me just since Friday:

6 Reese's Peanut Butter cups
4 Hostess Cupcakes
Numerous bite size Krackle bars
My weight in Sunkist
At least 5 pieces of fried chicken
A really yummy pork chop cooked by my Daddy
Two full-size donuts
Approximately 10 smaller Hostess chocolate donuts
8 slices of pizza
McDonald's double cheeseburger value meal...plus a chocolate chip cookie
A king size Whatchamacallit (or maybe two? I can't remember when in the week I had that other one...)
7 Pinwheels cookies

Let me reiterate that the above is just a sampling. Just A Sampling. I should also point out that this past weekend is not an atypical snapshot of my eating habits. In truth, the list above is very representative of the volumes and types of food I put in my mouth on a regular basis.

Oh, and isn't that phrase - "In truth" - the real kicker in all of this? At least, it is for me. Because being honest with myself about what I eat is unprecedented ground. Typing out all that food and knowing that, if anything, I UNDERESTIMATED....no, that was not easy for me. In fact, I am horrified, and I remain shaken as I continue to type this entry. I don't even want to think about the food I consume, let alone write it down. And then on top of that, have the list remain for people to peruse with...hell, I don't know. Astonishment? Judgment? Disgust? (And those are just MY emotions...I've no idea what vile adjectives my list will conjure for others.)

However, if I fail at all else, I know in my heart that I must be honest this time. Never before have I done so in my thirty-plus-plus years. I've followed numerous diets, kept multiple food journals, had several check-ins with various dietary "consultants" (for lack of a better, all-encompassing term). I've joined weight loss groups both professional (ie, full of strangers) and social (ie, full of friends). And I have NEVER, EVER been completely honest about what I eat, to anyone. My husband knows more than most, but even he isn't completely aware because I often hide the full scope of my consumption from him. And I don't just lie to others. I lie to myself. I've been doing it for so long that it now feels as natural as breathing. Even at this very moment, while trying so desperately to break the cycle of smokescreens and denial, I wonder if my "memory" is still unconsciously masking the full truth from myself. In no way do I think my penchant for untruths in this area (or others, frankly...this issue goes deeper than food) is going to disappear overnight. I just have to keep fighting the inclination head-on, with no mercy.

But now, moving onto the question of the day...why did I choose to celebrate my first successful week on Jenny Craig by acting the glutton for seven days and actively undoing every ounce (literally) of previous accomplishment? Well, if I had the answer to that question I'd look - and feel - markedly different than I currently do. Therein lies the mystery, I suppose. I simply do not know why I do this. I had a therapist once tell me that I have self-sabotage issues. I was like, Really? No shit? And I'm paying you $150 an hour to tell me THAT? How about telling me WHY I have self-sabotage issues. Or how to STOP the self-sabotage issues. Or even just how to LIVE with the self-sabotage issues. Now those pieces of information would be worth all I own, and then some. Of course, I have theories. And theories about my theories. But ultimately, the behavior continues. Perhaps one day it will all miraculously become clear, with little angels floating around my head and singing, "You sweet thing, you self-sabotage because...your mother insisted on dressing you in polyester as a child!" OR "...you watched one too many 'Brady Bunch' episodes!" OR "...you painted your bedroom orange when you were 10!" And I'll be like, "Aha! I always suspected that was the reason. Now my whole life makes sense!" But until then, I'm as in the dark as anyone.

Many would say my overeating is simple: I Like Food. And believe me, I do. Oh god, I love love LOVE to eat. And I have a horrible, lifelong affinity for junk food...particularly sweets. Some overweight people swear it isn't what they eat; only how much. For me, it is definitely both. And more. I mean, I've never been one of those people who can pinpoint a single problem area and just focus on that. No way. If you had a checklist of the ten most popular reasons people are fat, I'd be like, "Um, can you just add an 'All of the above' box so I can save myself some time here?" I could live a very full and complete life never ingesting another fruit or vegetable, but I don't believe I could be truly happy without pizza and chocolate. I am a foodie through and through, and the more something is "bad" for me, the more I crave it. But there are many more pieces to the puzzle that is overly ample me. As much as I do enjoy food, I can assure you I did not enjoy eating most of what is listed above. All the time I was doing it, I felt far from happy. There was sadness and frustration and contempt, but mostly, I just felt empty.

Uggh! I could write more, but frankly I am spent. Enough self-exploration for today. Tomorrow, my plan is to get back on the wagon and see where it leads me. I have NOT, in any way, given up on Jenny Craig. Yes, it's been a horrible week...but I am now looking forward. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Keep your fingers crossed for me.